pistachio
Member
Agreed.
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Cheating. Is it Ever Ok?
Agreed.
yeah but wingman, some partners aren't prepared to address issues, they resent you for raising them and push back hard against any kind of change?
Whilst you're describing the 'ideal' relationship, a world where you're able to talk about and resolve things like two adults who love eachother....it's not always the case, in relationships. Good or bad?
In the 11 years I was with my partner, I must have raised the issue about our sex life, a million and 3 times. And I wasn't a bitch about it. I explained that I need sex more than once a month, or once every 3 months...that it's not ok when I try to initiate, that he says no, every motherfucking night of the week...lol
But ultimately, withholding sex, was his way of controlling our relationship.
Not healthy, for either of us. Especially me! lol
So instead of cheating (and believe me, I was sorely tempted!) I left.
Because the bigger issue wasn't the lack of sex itself....it was allllllllll the other bullshit that had broken the relationship down to the point that I was so emotionally detached, it was insalvagable.
And whilst that sounds awful. And it was....many many people, have relationships where they don't feel free, after a period of years, to express their opinion - or if they do, it's met with resentment and annoyance?
Like my married friend, who says he loves his wife immensely, but has scheduled sex, once a month, if he's lucky?
He said he's raised it with her. He tried romancing her, he's done the cook her dinner bit and planned the romantic nights...but her libido, is just not like his - never was apparently, and obviously never will be.
He said she looked at him last time he spoke to her about it and said "I'm a mother and I'm tired and quite frankly, I'm not a rabbit. I don't want to have sex with you every night of the week. Stop asking me"
Do you think he'll EVER broach that subject again?
Probably not.
Instead, he is sexually fulfilled with other women -and he does this, often and alot.
Is it just about sex for him?
No.
I discussed that with him yesterday.
It's about feeling valued, desired, wanted and appreciated.
Sometimes, in long term relationships, we forget our partner, amongst the 'life' stuff that has to be addressed. But to rectify that, the person has to 'want' to.
And sometimes, I guess it comes down to the fact that they just don't want to?
Whilst you're describing the 'ideal' relationship, a world where you're able to talk about and resolve things like two adults who love eachother....it's not always the case, in relationships. Good or bad?
In the 11 years I was with my partner, I must have raised the issue about our sex life, a million and 3 times. And I wasn't a bitch about it. I explained that I need sex more than once a month, or once every 3 months...that it's not ok when I try to initiate, that he says no, every motherfucking night of the week...lol
But ultimately, withholding sex, was his way of controlling our relationship.
Not healthy, for either of us. Especially me! lol
So instead of cheating (and believe me, I was sorely tempted!) I left.
Because the bigger issue wasn't the lack of sex itself....it was allllllllll the other bullshit that had broken the relationship down to the point that I was so emotionally detached, it was insalvagable.
And whilst that sounds awful. And it was....many many people, have relationships where they don't feel free, after a period of years, to express their opinion - or if they do, it's met with resentment and annoyance?
Like my married friend, who says he loves his wife immensely, but has scheduled sex, once a month, if he's lucky?
He said he's raised it with her. He tried romancing her, he's done the cook her dinner bit and planned the romantic nights...but her libido, is just not like his - never was apparently, and obviously never will be.
He said she looked at him last time he spoke to her about it and said "I'm a mother and I'm tired and quite frankly, I'm not a rabbit. I don't want to have sex with you every night of the week. Stop asking me"
Do you think he'll EVER broach that subject again?
Probably not.
Instead, he is sexually fulfilled with other women -and he does this, often and alot.
Is it just about sex for him?
No.
I discussed that with him yesterday.
It's about feeling valued, desired, wanted and appreciated.
Sometimes, in long term relationships, we forget our partner, amongst the 'life' stuff that has to be addressed. But to rectify that, the person has to 'want' to.
And sometimes, I guess it comes down to the fact that they just don't want to?
wingman
Super M0derator
Maybe I don't really see that angle because I haven't had any bad relationships. I've only had a few but can honestly say they were all good ones.
But from what you're saying, in the examples you've given, maybe those people shouldn't have gotten together in the first place? Your married friend who has raised his issue (I'm talking about any issue here, not just sex) with his wife has the same 3 options I put in my previous post I believe - and sounds like he's up to option #3.
I still don't believe cheating is ok in this (or any) situation.
But from what you're saying, in the examples you've given, maybe those people shouldn't have gotten together in the first place? Your married friend who has raised his issue (I'm talking about any issue here, not just sex) with his wife has the same 3 options I put in my previous post I believe - and sounds like he's up to option #3.
I still don't believe cheating is ok in this (or any) situation.
If sex is so important to your friend he should have never had married her in the first place, as you clearly state that her libido has never been the same as his.
yep, I've said that to him too.
I guess in the beginning it's all roses and canoe's, you can't get enough of eachother and by the sounds of it, they married after a very short time.
They've been married for almost 9 years now though and he said it's been a problem from the time they were married - that's when it dropped off I guess.
They now have small children (2) and don't worry, I have counselled him within an inch of his life. lol
but it's not just about the sex...it's all the other stuff that's lacking for him too.
The upside? She's a good mother, a devoted wife, he still finds her insanely attractive and they have built a life together.
I guess as DKD eluded to before, it's much harder to leave, once you have children. It becomes a very difficult decision.
I asked him yesterday, if they had no kids, would he leave the relationship and just move on.
He was quiet for a very long time and finally said "I don't know. I love her. I do. But she IS the mother of my children now and I can't pretend they don't exist, so I can't answer that question"
I wonder though, can you REALLY love someone so immensely, but still cheat on them so often?
I find that....curious.
Because that, to me, is not love.
And I've told him that too.
But this is where I realise that my very staunch views on this topic.....were unfair? Because everybody is different, circumstance and life dictate different things for different people?
Would I ever cheat on someone? No, I don't think I would.
Would I have a relationship with someone who was already married or attached? Well, to date, I never have. But I can't say I never would. Who knows what the future holds?
And I guess that raises a whole other set of questions. My friends and I debate this all the time too...
Are you responsible for the behaviour of the person you're with? So if they're married, are you responsible and should you feel guilty, for being with them, sexually or otherwise?
There is a part of me that thinks, yes. You probably should, if you knowingly go into an intimate relationship with someone else's husband or wife, you are knowingly becoming involved with and distracting someone from their partner and/or family.
But there are MANY of my friends who have said "Nope, it's their issue, not yours. It's up to the person your WITH to bare the brunt of the responsibility"
Which kinda seems like a really selfish way of looking at it, from my perspective.
But what if you fall in love? What if you want them, like no one else you've ever wanted before? What if you can't stop?
WAY too many questions I realise and I don't expect answers - I just find it an incredibly curious topic...
I guess in the beginning it's all roses and canoe's, you can't get enough of eachother and by the sounds of it, they married after a very short time.
They've been married for almost 9 years now though and he said it's been a problem from the time they were married - that's when it dropped off I guess.
They now have small children (2) and don't worry, I have counselled him within an inch of his life. lol
but it's not just about the sex...it's all the other stuff that's lacking for him too.
The upside? She's a good mother, a devoted wife, he still finds her insanely attractive and they have built a life together.
I guess as DKD eluded to before, it's much harder to leave, once you have children. It becomes a very difficult decision.
I asked him yesterday, if they had no kids, would he leave the relationship and just move on.
He was quiet for a very long time and finally said "I don't know. I love her. I do. But she IS the mother of my children now and I can't pretend they don't exist, so I can't answer that question"
I wonder though, can you REALLY love someone so immensely, but still cheat on them so often?
I find that....curious.
Because that, to me, is not love.
And I've told him that too.
But this is where I realise that my very staunch views on this topic.....were unfair? Because everybody is different, circumstance and life dictate different things for different people?
Would I ever cheat on someone? No, I don't think I would.
Would I have a relationship with someone who was already married or attached? Well, to date, I never have. But I can't say I never would. Who knows what the future holds?
And I guess that raises a whole other set of questions. My friends and I debate this all the time too...
Are you responsible for the behaviour of the person you're with? So if they're married, are you responsible and should you feel guilty, for being with them, sexually or otherwise?
There is a part of me that thinks, yes. You probably should, if you knowingly go into an intimate relationship with someone else's husband or wife, you are knowingly becoming involved with and distracting someone from their partner and/or family.
But there are MANY of my friends who have said "Nope, it's their issue, not yours. It's up to the person your WITH to bare the brunt of the responsibility"
Which kinda seems like a really selfish way of looking at it, from my perspective.
But what if you fall in love? What if you want them, like no one else you've ever wanted before? What if you can't stop?
WAY too many questions I realise and I don't expect answers - I just find it an incredibly curious topic...
DKD
Private Dancer
Clearly people in these relationships have a much broader problem than lack of sex. If you don't feel free to express your opinion, then your partner is controlling you to the point where your sense of self-respect has diminished significantly. This frame of mind is obviously the polar opposite of what a loving relationship is supposed to provide: the feeling of being loved, valued, special....that someone out there thinks you rock!
This is an interesting case here Bella. I find myself wondering if this marriage was to break down completely based on the problems described above, then who's to blame?
He loves her, wants her, has made every effort to woo her again and re-kindle the flame, but she largely rejects it. Negative against her.
He gets his pole waxed elsewhere. Fun yeah, but cheating. Negative against him. Or is it?
Reasoning tells me that, if she never had a high libido from the get go, he would've known that before marrying her and therefore should accept her the way she is and stay true to her. But, you're right, it comes down to much more than sex. If your partner no longer cares about making you feel special, then you just can't stay fulfilled or engaged emotionally.
It all comes down to communication....discussing the problems, being honest with each other and being willing to listen and accommodate each other. If you can't communicate in this manner, then clearly the end is nigh. Very sad.
I didn't read all the posts but here's my
2 cents as these types of threads fascinate me
.
There is only 1 reason for cheating and is acceptable
in my book.
That is if your partner in someway can't be sexually
active with you - medical reasons (if she was paralyzed
after an accident or something). In that instance
I think cheating would be OK.
I believe (in fact this is pretty much 100% in my mind)
the reason ppl cheat are 2 fold.
1. Us 'humans' are not honest. Most family units don't discuss issues/challenges in an 'open', 'honest' & 'safe' environment.
Hence we make up and live miserable lives denying ourselves
of happiness to 'fit into' a box no one can fit; and which has
been given to us by someone way back in the day.
Our grandparents didn't do it, nor did our parents hence we
now follow the same pattern.
2. Ppl who cheat are 'insecure' within themselves.
Devante.
2 cents as these types of threads fascinate me
.There is only 1 reason for cheating and is acceptable
in my book.
That is if your partner in someway can't be sexually
active with you - medical reasons (if she was paralyzed
after an accident or something). In that instance
I think cheating would be OK.
I believe (in fact this is pretty much 100% in my mind)
the reason ppl cheat are 2 fold.
1. Us 'humans' are not honest. Most family units don't discuss issues/challenges in an 'open', 'honest' & 'safe' environment.
Hence we make up and live miserable lives denying ourselves
of happiness to 'fit into' a box no one can fit; and which has
been given to us by someone way back in the day.
Our grandparents didn't do it, nor did our parents hence we
now follow the same pattern.
2. Ppl who cheat are 'insecure' within themselves.
Devante.
Alpha Moth
New member
was in a LDR with a girl, cheated on her after not seeing her for 6 months or so... felt like dirt after it though.
Have a different girl, she lives around the corner though. Won't cheat on her. And yes it's wrong.
Have a different girl, she lives around the corner though. Won't cheat on her. And yes it's wrong.
Rambodian
No I'm not cambodian
To me its never OK to cheat
I have a philosophy on this sexual phenomena;
Most people that cheat or see it as acceptable are insatiable, sexually and in every other aspect of their lives (without even knowing it sometimes). They will simply never ever be satisfied with what they have, be it love, sex, stuff, money....or whatever. They tend to always have a justification for their actions, or thoughts on what they think is sexually acceptable.
Some of them find satisfaction in life eventually (very few of these peeps IMO), but from what I see in those around me who do this, most don't, they just live some deluded farcical approach to happiness. Always wondering if the grass is greener on the other side.
Those who have a cheaters mentality are the ones who are usually easily willed over by temptation in all its forms.....to eat the forbidden fruit......is what they desire most, and get the most satisfaction from.
OK, end rant on philosophy, I think I lost myself there LOL, is that even a philosophy? ....or just an opinion.....I don't know WTF I'm on about LOL, frig this I been awake for to many hrs
over and out
G
I have a philosophy on this sexual phenomena;
Most people that cheat or see it as acceptable are insatiable, sexually and in every other aspect of their lives (without even knowing it sometimes). They will simply never ever be satisfied with what they have, be it love, sex, stuff, money....or whatever. They tend to always have a justification for their actions, or thoughts on what they think is sexually acceptable.
Some of them find satisfaction in life eventually (very few of these peeps IMO), but from what I see in those around me who do this, most don't, they just live some deluded farcical approach to happiness. Always wondering if the grass is greener on the other side.
Those who have a cheaters mentality are the ones who are usually easily willed over by temptation in all its forms.....to eat the forbidden fruit......is what they desire most, and get the most satisfaction from.
OK, end rant on philosophy, I think I lost myself there LOL, is that even a philosophy? ....or just an opinion.....I don't know WTF I'm on about LOL, frig this I been awake for to many hrs
over and out
G
pistachio
Member
I think we all have different perspectives, based on our own experiences?
A two year relationship, for a younger person. Is a very different landscape to a 10 or 15 year relationship, for others.
The pressures, problems and issues, are incredibly different.
Someone on this forum (I think it may have been Relevant) once said that being and staying in a relationship, is a conscious choice and decision you make every single day.
And that, I can say with absolute certainty - is the truth.
Everything else, I'm unsure about. But I think it's clear, different people, have different reasons for cheating, or wanting to cheat, or being fulfilled in ways elsewhere - or not.
And that, really is the only thing, that's clear
A two year relationship, for a younger person. Is a very different landscape to a 10 or 15 year relationship, for others.
The pressures, problems and issues, are incredibly different.
Someone on this forum (I think it may have been Relevant) once said that being and staying in a relationship, is a conscious choice and decision you make every single day.
And that, I can say with absolute certainty - is the truth.
Everything else, I'm unsure about. But I think it's clear, different people, have different reasons for cheating, or wanting to cheat, or being fulfilled in ways elsewhere - or not.
And that, really is the only thing, that's clear