OldManMuscle
New member
It's 2013 and I'm now 50 years old and training like a machine designed by some freaked out mad scientist who thought Mike Mentzer was a simpleton and Tom Platz was a genius. Lycra-clad gym girls try not to look at me. Guys half my age ask me for advice all the time. I politely tell them I'm not a personal trainer and point out the scrawny guys with the Cert IV and the dopey-looking tattoos who will give them advice for little more than minimum wage.
I won my first bodybuilding title in 1983. I was 21 and had never been on a bodybuilding stage before. There were 20 other guys in the lineup (it was a state novice title) and at 65 kg I was simply the most ripped (and at 178 cm tall, not very solid, either!). Plus, I posed with confidence: my song was a sulty jazz ballad which I soon replaced with Sade's "Smooth Operator" when I won my first overall state title in 1985 at the age of 23 and a bodyweight of 71 kg. In those days they awarded best bodypart trophies and I picked up a few best abs and best legs awards but my upper body certainly lacked mass.
However, I was definitely 100% natural and won several more regional titles before eventually experimenting with prescribed medications in the 1990s. But I never placed higher than 3rd in any category of a national competition, natural or un-tested.
As it stands, I haven't competed since 2008 when I got two second places in the over 40 year old category, weighing in at around 85Kg. Both times I passed the drug test because I was once again 100% natural.
At that last 2008 comp I was told by the winner - in-confidence - how he beat the test. He's a nice guy: I hold no grudges, although most would say he had cheated. The simple fact is, he was better than me on the day.
But I've always known that competitive bodybuilding's all about cheating. How about when Arnie competed in the 1980 Olympia at the Sydney Opera House when that lousy old IFBB Aussie cheat Paul Gra**m promoted his fly-in visit as a mere guest compering gig (Hey, I was there in the audience as a pimply-faced teenager! and lemme tell ya, I thought even 6th place-getter Australia's own Roger Walker had it all over the smooth Schwarzeneggroll. Ah, but someone must have stolen poor Roger's bottle of fake tan - he was as white as a ghost. A super-freaky-big, CUT-TO-RIBBONS ghost, that is ... Perhaps Arnie had light fingers in Sydney just as was suggested he had in the mockumentary film "Pumping Iron" when he allegedly pinched Big Lou's posing trunks backstage? Today they would have taken back his trophy for smoking pot!). Anyway, no-one expected Arnie to compete, least of all my own personal idol, Frank Zane, who was smaller than when he won the '79 Olympia and hence the water-retaining Austrian Oak strolled away with his 7th Mr Oh.
Second place Chris Dickerson, the ugliest physique to ever win the O, stormed off the stage screaming "I don't fucking believe it!"
Defending champ Zane smashed his 3rd place trophy to bits backstage, they say, but I can't imagine that ever happening. He was (and probably still is) bodybuilding's only real gentleman.
BTW, those photos showing IFBB promoter Paul Gra**m's 23 inch arms were taken with a 3 inch knot in the tape hidden behind his bicep. Man, he was a sneaky bastard ... But I digress.
And then there was the former IFBB champ Farru**ia who somehow persuaded Federation President Wayne OldManMacDonald to overlook his failed drug test for diuretics when he won the Natural Australia in the early 90s. Who knows what an undiluted urine test would have revealed?
So I guess I'll cheat in September or October 2013 myself with an
untroubled conscience. If you guys want to see me, pick a federation: there's four Mr Australia titles I could run for. I'll top up my bald spot with a visit to Advanced Hair Studio (just like Ricky-lee Ponting did recently). I'll top up my choppers with some shiny new porcelain veneers. I'll top up my wrinkles with a Bangkok facelift. And I'll top up my legally prescribed 50mg daily Testogel (like most 50 year olds, my natural testosterone production is deficient) with some Primoteston 250mg for 12 weeks.
I wont even bother trying to get a Therapeutic Use Exemption, coz as "Oni" rightly pointed out in another thread, it's fucking stupid.
Maybe I'll cut up with Anavar if I can find someone to sell it to me (or is there something better now?). Maybe I'll try some CJC-1295 DAC or some other peptides or should I say secretogens? I certainly won't bother asking the cretins at ASADA for a definition. But I'll definitely bust my balls on cardio and eat lo-carbs like a maniac.
Anyhoo, I should ooze onto stage at a shredded 84Kg or so and pose like Frank Zane: poetry in vein-popping motion.
Sure, If I'm selected to wee in a a bottle I'll try to beat the test (there are ways - just ask any long term heroin addict how they manage to beat their drug tests to stay out of jail).
But If do get caught maybe I'll just challenge the finding with a fancy schmancy lawyer. Which brings me to Arm Lancestrong: Why the hell did he admit it? With his millions he could have fought them to the death in the courts. Why did he fold? Jeez, even Ohjay knew the power of a good lawyer. But again I digress ...
Yep, in 2013, OldManMuscle is gonna cheat and he's gonna win. And if I don't win I'll just cheat with Photoshop so it looks like I'm holding the first place trophy. It's not as if the Mr Australia results even make the newspapers ...
I won my first bodybuilding title in 1983. I was 21 and had never been on a bodybuilding stage before. There were 20 other guys in the lineup (it was a state novice title) and at 65 kg I was simply the most ripped (and at 178 cm tall, not very solid, either!). Plus, I posed with confidence: my song was a sulty jazz ballad which I soon replaced with Sade's "Smooth Operator" when I won my first overall state title in 1985 at the age of 23 and a bodyweight of 71 kg. In those days they awarded best bodypart trophies and I picked up a few best abs and best legs awards but my upper body certainly lacked mass.
However, I was definitely 100% natural and won several more regional titles before eventually experimenting with prescribed medications in the 1990s. But I never placed higher than 3rd in any category of a national competition, natural or un-tested.
As it stands, I haven't competed since 2008 when I got two second places in the over 40 year old category, weighing in at around 85Kg. Both times I passed the drug test because I was once again 100% natural.
At that last 2008 comp I was told by the winner - in-confidence - how he beat the test. He's a nice guy: I hold no grudges, although most would say he had cheated. The simple fact is, he was better than me on the day.
But I've always known that competitive bodybuilding's all about cheating. How about when Arnie competed in the 1980 Olympia at the Sydney Opera House when that lousy old IFBB Aussie cheat Paul Gra**m promoted his fly-in visit as a mere guest compering gig (Hey, I was there in the audience as a pimply-faced teenager! and lemme tell ya, I thought even 6th place-getter Australia's own Roger Walker had it all over the smooth Schwarzeneggroll. Ah, but someone must have stolen poor Roger's bottle of fake tan - he was as white as a ghost. A super-freaky-big, CUT-TO-RIBBONS ghost, that is ... Perhaps Arnie had light fingers in Sydney just as was suggested he had in the mockumentary film "Pumping Iron" when he allegedly pinched Big Lou's posing trunks backstage? Today they would have taken back his trophy for smoking pot!). Anyway, no-one expected Arnie to compete, least of all my own personal idol, Frank Zane, who was smaller than when he won the '79 Olympia and hence the water-retaining Austrian Oak strolled away with his 7th Mr Oh.
Second place Chris Dickerson, the ugliest physique to ever win the O, stormed off the stage screaming "I don't fucking believe it!"
Defending champ Zane smashed his 3rd place trophy to bits backstage, they say, but I can't imagine that ever happening. He was (and probably still is) bodybuilding's only real gentleman.
BTW, those photos showing IFBB promoter Paul Gra**m's 23 inch arms were taken with a 3 inch knot in the tape hidden behind his bicep. Man, he was a sneaky bastard ... But I digress.
And then there was the former IFBB champ Farru**ia who somehow persuaded Federation President Wayne OldManMacDonald to overlook his failed drug test for diuretics when he won the Natural Australia in the early 90s. Who knows what an undiluted urine test would have revealed?
So I guess I'll cheat in September or October 2013 myself with an
untroubled conscience. If you guys want to see me, pick a federation: there's four Mr Australia titles I could run for. I'll top up my bald spot with a visit to Advanced Hair Studio (just like Ricky-lee Ponting did recently). I'll top up my choppers with some shiny new porcelain veneers. I'll top up my wrinkles with a Bangkok facelift. And I'll top up my legally prescribed 50mg daily Testogel (like most 50 year olds, my natural testosterone production is deficient) with some Primoteston 250mg for 12 weeks.
I wont even bother trying to get a Therapeutic Use Exemption, coz as "Oni" rightly pointed out in another thread, it's fucking stupid.
Maybe I'll cut up with Anavar if I can find someone to sell it to me (or is there something better now?). Maybe I'll try some CJC-1295 DAC or some other peptides or should I say secretogens? I certainly won't bother asking the cretins at ASADA for a definition. But I'll definitely bust my balls on cardio and eat lo-carbs like a maniac.
Anyhoo, I should ooze onto stage at a shredded 84Kg or so and pose like Frank Zane: poetry in vein-popping motion.
Sure, If I'm selected to wee in a a bottle I'll try to beat the test (there are ways - just ask any long term heroin addict how they manage to beat their drug tests to stay out of jail).
But If do get caught maybe I'll just challenge the finding with a fancy schmancy lawyer. Which brings me to Arm Lancestrong: Why the hell did he admit it? With his millions he could have fought them to the death in the courts. Why did he fold? Jeez, even Ohjay knew the power of a good lawyer. But again I digress ...
Yep, in 2013, OldManMuscle is gonna cheat and he's gonna win. And if I don't win I'll just cheat with Photoshop so it looks like I'm holding the first place trophy. It's not as if the Mr Australia results even make the newspapers ...
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