The Moment You Knew?

[Bella]

So I had a conversation with my older brother yesterday, that has me thinking....

We were talking about love and marriage etc (He is a newly wed, has been married for a year - but they've been together for 8 years in total)

My brother is a serial monogomist. He hasn't had many gf's in life, but they've all been for really lengthy periods of time 5-8 years, each one.

I asked him yesterday, 'How did you know, that this was the girl you were meant to marry?"

He said "Well it was when Mum was dying and we came from Sydney for the weekend to help you care for her. *Laura* sat down on the couch next to Mum and just held her hand, didn't say a word. Then started helping *Sam* (our baby brother, 10yo at the time) read his social science homework and assisted him in understanding what the teacher wanted from him. I just looked at her and knew that this was the girl I wanted to marry. She is so kind and so loving and so soft, I knew I needed that in my life, for me. I just wasn't ever sure I was good enough for her"

Coincidentally, my brother left it 2 more years after this 'realisation' to actually propose....

But it got me thinking, whether you're married, or in love, or living together...or homo's (no judgement!) - when did you know?? And was there a moment, where you just knew, that the person you were with, was the one for you??

 

[kaz]

I moved in with my now husband after 3 weeks (no misprint), we had met 5 weeks prior.
He proposed after 6 months, I think I knew in the first month we'd get married. Mostly because we did alot of exciting things, weekends away, day trips, etc.
These days he works in the mines and I'm working when he's sleeping and visa versa....

 

[Bella]

wow deep, fast moving! lol

awesome, thanks for posting

 

[CaT_SPeW]

it took me about 7 years to propose, not sure when i really knew but after 7 years i just thought what the fuck and did it lol. our 1st year anniversary is tomorrow which is also the 10 year anniversary of when we met

 

[Bella]

lol hyjack

7 years? oooooooo

Happy 1st year Anniversary for tomorrow!! and happy 10 years together! lol

How lovely.

I wonder if you two actually qualify as 'newlyweds'? I discussed this with my brother too, he and his wife have been together for 9 years in total, but have only just celebrated their 1st wedding anniversary...I ask her if she's still in the honeymoon phase and she looks at him and rolls her eyes

lol

I guess not.

 

[PowerBuilder]

It is extremely unlikely people crave to be 'married' to a person since it is (simply) a formal status of two people, ie man and woman, man and man or woman and woman. It is a cultural invention.

What people actually crave/desire is to operate with a person(s). There are real evolutionary reasons behind this. Recent research suggests that women first off look for a suitable (based on gnetic traits) person to have children with...as well as somebody who can raise them appropriately. Men often look for a woman with which to bare his genetic code...in hopes that she will have a 'sexy' (a good manager) of genes.


I coulntalk about that sort of stuff for hours. Its evident when you look all around the animal kingdom, seals, lions, sheep, birds....


Pretty early on I felt that my current gf is the best girl for me. She is beyond amazing. I think it was about a month into our relationship we moved in together.


Don't forget that love is a chemical reaction.

 

[Bella]

lol

an incredibly scientific account powerbuilder - I get your drift.

But whilst I realise the primal, evolutionary urges in us all to locate a 'mate' and the reasons why.....and I also know that much of attraction is physiological and chemical, sure.

But in the end, what makes you want one person and not another? For instance, my brother had 3 long term, full on relationships - the girl he was seeing before his wife, he proposed to they were engaged.........she ended it and went to 'find herself' in Tibet I believe....lol

She recently tried to contact him again (after 9 years!) - she? still single, madly craving babies and husband and much older.

But my conversation with my brother got me thinking...what is it that affords us the ability to 'just know' when that person, is the right person?

I have never 'felt' that absolute urge with anyone, I guess I'm yet to meet the guy for me?

But some people have and I wondered if anyone could pin point that 'moment' as well as my brother could.

Thats all.

You too, are a fast mover!! Living together after a month? lol

Well, when you know - you know, I guess.

Thanks Pete

 

[Shrek]

Do you ever really know?

 

[Bella]

Well I don't know?
lol

Maybe that's why I'm asking?

I've never felt it, but it's not to say that I won't, someday?

And I know friends and family have absolutely felt it and I love them sharing their stories with me

 

[CaT_SPeW]

lol hyjack

7 years? oooooooo

Happy 1st year Anniversary for tomorrow!! and happy 10 years together! lol

How lovely.

I wonder if you two actually qualify as 'newlyweds'? I discussed this with my brother too, he and his wife have been together for 9 years in total, but have only just celebrated their 1st wedding anniversary...I ask her if she's still in the honeymoon phase and she looks at him and rolls her eyes

lol

I guess not.

yeah the honeymoon period ran out a long time ago lol

 

[Bella]

^^ I've heard this
lololol

Happy Anniversary anyway for tomorrow!!

Lots of snuggles and kisses and proclamations of what a lucky bastard you are, are in order - you may get a little of that honeymoon feel back

 

[PowerBuilder]

there is a cultural as well as physilogical reasons to why some people are more 'atrrative' than others.

There are cultural traits that people find more attractive than others, as well as others that retard attraction. The same can be said for physical traits...which thanks to science and technology we can alter a bit. Why do men find themselves attracted to women? Hard to pinpoint a reason due to multiple variables. When you've got variables 'x', 'y' and 'z' to asses how do you know the prime variabkes? We can do experiments ahd ask animals what's more attractive...but there still no way of knowing for sure.


We can know most things thanks to science. No thanks to religion. Thanks to science we can know 99.9999% of things. With maths though, things are either fact or false.

 

[kaz]

yeah the honeymoon period ran out a long time ago lol

This^^^^^

 

[Darkoz]

It's our 20 year anniversary in a few days, so I've forgotten

 

[Bella]

hmmmm

That's not quite what I was getting at Pete.

Attraction is a seperate matter and is surely subjective? Yes there's a physiological and chemical reason why we're attracted to a person. But we've all seen those couples where the woman is drop dead gorgeous and the man is middle aged, overweight and bald - or vise versa - and we all think "Wtf is she/he doing with that person"!!?? lol

Attractiveness, is completely subjective and depends who's looking at you.
What I find attractive, my friends and family may not?
And so it goes....
This keeps life interesting of course, it wouldn't be any fun if we all liked exactly the same things - OR if we all looked exactly the same for that matter?
Everybody likes and is attracted to different things, about other people.

My question was more....how do you 'know' when the person you're with, is the person you want to spend your life with?

And that question has almost next to nothing to do with a level of 'attractiveness'. If we're talking simply sex? Sure it does. But lifetimes together? No, there's much more than just a physiological response going on there.

Do we ever feel it?
Or do we, as hyjack said, just decide 'fuck it, I'll ask her now'?
lol
I'm sure that wasn't the entire story and I'm certain he's a very lucky man to have the beautiful wife he's got...

but my brother was able to pin point that moment for him, with such sincerity and...knowingness. I was just curious if anyone else had felt that...and what it is.

Yes science and maths is factual and gives us percentages based on pheremones of the human makeup over millions of years of evolution etc etc etc

But the variable here...is the human heart. And in that respect, each and every one of us, is very different.

I was just interested to hear others stories.....

Life is all about stories and experiences afterall...I was curious

 

[Bella]

It's our 20 year anniversary in a few days, so I've forgotten

20 years!!?? OMG! Darkoz that's lovely! You haven't forgotten, 20 years is deserving of some serious spoiling my friend

 

[McKwl]

You never know.

Life is, more than anything, uncertainty. Which, hey, makes it kind of interesting, and exciting. We construct, individually and collectively, daily and over the centuries, cute little theories and belief systems, to shield the fragile brain from that overwhelming uncertainty that could otherwise drown us at any moment.

That said, I've been with the same woman for ten years now, and I still feel pretty much the sme way about her (I want her in my life, want to be a part of hers, and really like doing some stuff together). It seems we're compatible enough to make it work, by complete coincidence, and that's awesome.

I think it's more a state of mind that leads a person to want a (really) long term relationship, than anything inherent in our species. Other states of mind will lead to continual one-night stands or "affairs", or alternatively, serial monogamy/monandry. And states of mind can change.

All in all, it takes a great leap of faith for both parties to make such a decision together, be it one leading to living together, or marrying, etc. I don't think it should be entered into lightly. If people are not interested in doing it right, they shouldn't be looking to do it at all. That's my opinion, anyway. Goes for a lot of things, actually...

I guess it pisses me off a bit, when men or women treat long term relationships casually. Nothing wrong with having casual arrangements, or none at all - that's not the point. It's a matter of being on the same page, being honest with yourself and your partnet... that kind of thing.

 

[PowerBuilder]

Yes science and maths is factual and gives us percentages based on pheremones of the human makeup over millions of years of evolution etc etc etc

But the variable here...is the human heart. And in that respect, each and every one of us, is very different.

I was just interested to hear others stories.....

Life is all about stories and experiences afterall...I was curious

Ok. It looks like I didn't go over the psychology of attraction. Although I think it can been seen in what i wrote. Why do you find somebody physically attractive that others wouodn't? It possibly has a lot to do your outlook on life, experiences, expectations, values andworld view. It still would be u derpinned by finding a suitable mate. Don't forget that you are a machine similar to a lion, fish, cat or elephant....who struggles to stay alive and pass on their genes. Your not better or more evolved than these animals. The eis no 'human heart besides the one inside your chest.

 

[Bella]

completely agree!

Great post Mckwl

I definitely agree that it's a mindset, when you're ready, you're ready.

But I think perhaps there is something, or maybe an infinite amount of things in the person you choose to be with, which is the reason you're able to come to the conclusion that you want to be a part of one another's lives for the longterm?

My male friend (also a Peter) got married last month and we discussed this too - he just turned to me and said "Jo, she makes me want to be a better man, in every way, every day and I can't imagine my life without her"

Which is beyond beautiful!

That being said, I think ultimately we desire a partner to bare witness to our lives and to be able to bare witness to someone else's life too.

The lust ebbs away, the date nights, the weekends away, the trips abroad, the children's 'stuff' gets thrown into the mix of it, family 'stuff', work 'stuff' - life interrupts the longevity of a 'honeymoon period'....

Baring witness to one another's lives, simply means, that when you're old and grey, that person beside you, knows and remembers every unkind word, every mistake, every selfish act, every ounce of love and laughter and joy.....and loves you anyway, in spite of all of them....and because of all of them.

That is most definitely a choice made by both parties and a beautiful one.

 

[Bella]

Ok. It looks like I didn't go over the psychology of attraction. Although I think it can been seen in what i wrote. Why do you find somebody physically attractive that others wouodn't? It possibly has a lot to do your outlook on life, experiences, expectations, values andworld view. It still would be u derpinned by finding a suitable mate. Don't forget that you are a machine similar to a lion, fish, cat or elephant....who struggles to stay alive and pass on their genes. Your not better or more evolved than these animals. The eis no 'human heart besides the one inside your chest.

lol

I understand what you're saying Pete.

But the total sum of who we are is underpinned by our experiences, our knowledge base, our upbringing, our ability to be open minded, whether we're logical beasts or dreamweavers - we're all individuals. And yeah, sure, I'm certain there are laws of attraction - which on a primal level, leads us to desire to find a mate.....and procreate.

But that's caveman stuff. Sure it still exists. We're driven animals and no better than any other.

The difference that seperates humans as a species, is our intellectual capacity and our need and desire for awareness of everything around us, from ourselves, to life, to the universe, the galaxy and beyond.

I dare say an elephant in Africa, doesn't really care whether there has ever been water on Mars?

So we're a curious beast.
We're the same, but very different, to anything else.

And yes, there is a human heart, that beats within the chest cavity.
But beyond that - there is a soul - there is awareness, there is desire and drive and ambition and a knowingness within each of us?

Or maybe there's not?

It, like everything else, is certainly a matter of opinion.

For me? I don't have a 'type' or a physical list of qualities I seek in a partner. This would be purely a primal response to another human being, and that's not the way I've been made?

Of course they have to be attractive to us on some physical level, but it's subjective Pete? You may think your girlfriend is the most gorgeous thing that ever walked the planet.............but you may be the only man, who thinks that way?

Do you see what I mean?

So whilst I appreciate that there is a physiological law that governs our urges and impulses where the opposite sex is concerned - I think we have evolved somewhat from 'find girl, hit girl over head with club, drag girl to cave, procreate'

evolution doesn't cease, that would be an oxymoron.

And I'm a big believer in the human heart (both beating in the chest cavity...and the intangible, unseen)