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The Awesome Newbie Program Picker - For Strength.

picking out of a hat would be easier and make me less dizzy

alternatively could read each program and pick the one that suites you best
 
*Cross out stronglifts because Medhi is a douche and replace with Bill Starr/Madcow
*WTF is Ice Cream Fitness?
 
Ive never understood why beginners are recommended 3 day a week 5x5 type programs when as a beginner you can train everyday with no impact on your recovery and with a whole lot more volume!!
 
5/3/1 for beginners is one of the more retarded ideas for strength training I've encountered.

Four of the other five are all but interchangeable. And then ICF 5x5... is another kind of beast altogether.

Who comes up with these fucking selections.