There is no evidence to suggest that Collingwood fans are often missing teeth. Source: News Corp Australia
We all know stereotypes save time.
It doesn’t matter if you’re working as a bouncer at a nightclub, judging your co-workers or setting immigration policy.
Are they accurate? Who cares? Footy satirist Titus O’Reily prefers a quick solution to an accurate one every time.
Here’s his guide to understanding AFL supporters by stereotype:
A new My Family sticker? I’ll drink to that. Source: Supplied
Adelaide
Adelaide fans love chardonnay almost as much as not mixing socially with people from Semaphore.
You can spot a Crows supporter by the ‘My Family’ stickers on their cars and the fact they wear three quarter length pants, despite them going out of fashion just prior to the Y2K bug becoming a thing.
A heady combination of the Adelaide Establishment and new money, they all think the Adelaide Advertiser could have a lot more coverage of the Crows.
Brisbane
A curious mix of ex-Fitzroy supporters and relocated Victorians. Brisbane supporters have to live in the shadow of the Broncos but three premierships in a row helps helped to build a sense of confidence.
That said, currently frustrated by the fact recent administrations have been moving them back to the popularity and success of the Bears years.
They are less fair weather supporters than Sydney fans but this of course is damning with faint praise.
“A toast to the 1987 premiership side. Best one we ever bought.” Source: Supplied
Carlton
Arrogance, multiculturalism and a love of the TV series, Underbelly makes for a heady mix.
Carlton supporters still have no qualms about buying premierships in the 80s. I’ve never met one who denies or defends this: the ends justify the means.
Seen drinking coffees from very small cups, the Carlton fan can be recognised in cafes around Melbourne as a Collingwood supporter in expensive and incredibly fashionable clothes.
Collingwood
No group of fans is more tainted by stereotypes than magpie fans.
Car theft, Centrelink, moccasins, poor dental care and having seen and enjoyed the movie and musical, Rock of Ages. The magpie fan has heard them all.
No wonder they have a persecution complex and think everyone is against them.
Imagining dealing with this, while also having a strange attraction to your cousin. I feel for them.
My advice is to stop stealing cars, living off Centrelink, wearing moccasins and encouraging co-workers to see Rock of Ages.
Also that cousin of yours is not worth waiting for. The chances of parole are slim.
Essendon
An Essendon fan is anyone who thinks Essendon is an exclusive suburb of Melbourne.
A supporter group that is a middle class bubble frozen in amber. They enjoy the misfortune of other teams losing and think the MCG is too far away.
The Essendon supporter is like the Cicada: in a drought they seem to disappear but after a wet winter they spring forth and never shut up.
Recent events have also shown they have a wonderful new persecution complex. James Hird is completely innocent! Innocent I tell you!
You mean we are sticking with purple? Seriously? Source: News Limited
Fremantle
If you’re an AFL supporter from outside Western Australia you’ve probably never met a Freo supporter. The only exceptions are surfers, miners and miners that surf.
They suffer from an intense minority complex due to sharing a state with the Eagles.
Their working class ethos has been under serious attack since the suburbs was gentrified.
Dockers? More like boutique microbrewers.
Having never really got over their colours and song, their isolation means that apart from Eagles supporters, they have almost no contact with any other supporter group.
Geelong
A strange mix of small town mind set with the elitism of Geelong Grammar thrown in.
Most Geelong fans are quietly pleased they are actually living in Melbourne and would not travel to Kardinia Park for any amount of money.
Fans that actually live in Geelong are so insular they make North Koreans seem worldly.
The typical Gold Coast supporter is too busy enjyong their retirement to watch their side play. Source: News Limited
Gold Coast
Hello Victorian Retirees. Why aren’t you surfing? Oh really? How sad. Which hip did they replace? Both, huh?
How many Suns fans have you met? Yeah, me neither.
Have become more vocal in recent seasons as they realise they are thankfully, not GWS.
GWS
Hello parents of Giants players.
Perhaps it’s too early to get a real sense of the GWS fan. His name is Greg and he is 47 and lives at home with his Mum. He was given a free membership a couple of years ago and has been going ever since.
Crowds at GWS games can triple in size when a player’s mum will bring her friends up from Melbourne for a ‘girls weekend away’, which is then ruined by spending a chunk of it in western Sydney.
Bob Stewart’s men's wear shop in Kew carries the full range of Hawthorn supporter gear. Photo: Ellen Smith Source: News Limited
Hawthorn
Welcome to the leafy confines of Melbourne’s eastern suburbs.
Rich enough to live in Kew, Camberwell and Hawthorn but not rich enough to own their own chalet in Europe and Japan, like a Melbourne fan.
They are the Crows supporters of Melbourne.
Hawthorn members met at the private schools that spread out from Kew Junction.
Every Hawthorn supporter has spent time in Bob Stewart’s of Kew.
They shower after meeting fans from Collingwood and members from their own cheer squad.
It’s the only supporter group that will know what you mean when you refer to Ruyton.
A fleet of Melbourne supporters on the annual July pilgrimage to Fall’s Creek. Source: News Limited
Melbourne
The Establishment of Melbourne. Think Range Rovers and trips to the snow.
The only sixteen year olds who wear cord jackets with leather patches on the elbows.
They are so inbred that they have never met anyone who doesn’t have an MCC membership.
They are passionate about their club up to a point but then how passionate would you be if you could fire up the private jet and shoot off to Europe when the moment takes you?
Still refer to number nine as ‘Neitzy’ and believe Robbie Flower is their captain.
North Melbourne
The North supporter is the guy at work you always have to ask who they barrack for despite the fact you’ve asked them every week for three years.
A North supporter is the person in life that never catches a break.
They watch on as their club is spoken about as a potential relocation target, despite them winning Premierships in living memory while Melbourne and the Bulldogs continue on.
Still bitter that they pioneered Friday night footy and are now never allowed near it.
There is no irony here. Source: News Limited
Port Adelaide
The Collingwood fans of SA.
In South Australia, they drained a swamp to build the ‘Paris end of Port Adelaide’ but unfortunately left the people.
Dentally challenged, a Port Adelaide supporter considers their Ed Hardy T-shirt ‘Sunday best.’
They are the only supporters who wear rat-tails and mullets in a non- ironic fashion. Dad has one and so does grandma.
Consider David Koch a ‘public intellectual.’
Richmond
While they haven’t all spat on their coach, this is mainly due to most not being able to afford a good enough seat.
It would be deeply unfair and accurate to say all Richmond fans have at some point in their lives worked as a fence for stolen goods.
Following the gentrification of Richmond, no Tigers fan lives within 20 kilometres of the suburb.
Their main tradition is the annual microwaving of the memberships and mailing them into the club.
The melting of the Richmond membership is a time-honoured tradition. Source: Supplied
St Kilda
A hard-core inner of heroin chic without the chic, surrounded by a broad majority of nouveau riche Bayside suburbanites who aspire to Brighton but actually live in Aspendale Gardens.
St Kilda fans are always a bit agitated because they’ve gone through life having to pretend they like Stephen Milne.
Sydney
People call them fair weather supporters but this to me is overly optimistic. Would you want to bet your house they would turn up in fair weather? Of course not.
Let’s be honest, there is a large contingent of ex-southerners who are desperate for AFL footy that make up the core but the average Sydneysider doesn’t even show up to an NRL game.
There are also the remnants of the South Melbourne supporters and their offspring in Melbourne. A sad reminder of what happens to a club when they relocate.
There’s enough hate to go around for all Victorian sides. Source: News Limited
West Coast
A heady mixture of superiority and victimhood. The Eagles fans have every right to be proud of a team that sticks it to the Victorians every few years.
They also have the constant motivation of the eastern seaboard media being against them.
West Coast fans therefore live in this constant dual state, hated by Fremantle supporters and hating Victorians who are indifferent to them.
Western Bulldogs
True working class from the west of Melbourne. An area that even while being gentrified still has B-doubles rolling down every street on the way to the docks.
Bulldogs supporters have had no success winning the Premiership since their sole victory in 1954.
Unfortunately for them, unlike Melbourne supporters, they can’t head off to the snow when the season goes south, instead having to take the kids down to the park, under high voltage power lines.
* Titus O’Reily writes an increasingly popular footy blog. Read more at titusoreily.com and follow him @TitusOReily
