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Long term relationships and it's effects.

Good thread, real issue.

I've been married now for 6 years and was living with my wife for 10 years before that. I've had similar mixed emotions in the past, but never strayed. Lately we've recovered a bit of the spark of our courting days and its been great. Don't know how it happened really. We just realised that life was for living and how much we still loved each other and started saying as much quite regularly. We make time to talk to each other and listen and I try and lift my game and share the housework as much as possible. I don't sit down until she does.

It all adds up. We couldn't imagine being with anyone else and are getting on with our complex over-worked and over-stressed lives as best we can. Its almost 4pm now and I'm looking forward to getting home and spending time with her and my 5yo boy. They're my real passion.

Cheers,
Mike
 
Bit more complicated than I'd like Dave, second time she's ever been with a guy (oops) gotta stop thinking with my dick. And I'm thinking vest and cup at this point in time.

Don't really see why that matters. It isn't working, be an adult about it - if she can't that is her problem.
 
Everyone has made good valuable points.

I think my challenge is that I don't "love" her as
such.... It's morphed into deep affection for her
and I'm finding it hard to be the 'romantic fool
I once was'....!!!

How to solve this challenge? Or is it time to walk
a different path?? Hummm...

Devante.
 
To be quite honest... I really think it's normal. Be with anyone for long enough and the spark dies. If we're talking sexually, I think 90% of the time, no matter how attracted you are initially to one another.. this will fade in time. Which is why I think it's important to have someone you connect with in other aspects of life (humor, share similar tastes etc).

Edit: bit about mate


Are the feelings mutual?

I'm happy to report that after 20 years of marriage and four beautiful daughters, that I belong to the other 10%!


Fadi.
 
Bit more complicated than I'd like Dave, second time she's ever been with a guy (oops) gotta stop thinking with my dick. And I'm thinking vest and cup at this point in time.

Can't agree with that, success rates (if you can call it that) in the old days were because divorce wasn't an option - you just put up with your lot in life.

The biggest problem we have is a society with the attention span of a gnat, a general lack of communication skills and a throw-away mentality.

Doesn't have to be that long ago that the divorce statistics have trebled. There has been a massive rise every ten years you rewind so by the time you hit the 1940's your point would be a little valid and I do agree with it somewhat but using that as an answer to sum the statistics up is short sighted.

Like I said children are growing up to fast these days. If you have has sex with 30 women and had 10 relationships I honestly believe it will be harder to find a partner you will stay with compared to an adult virgin couple who fall in love. Your statement doesn't take into account how much more meaningful a marriage use to be back the aswell. The vows were sacred and it was and still should be a thing thats lasts a lifetime.

If you can get down on one knee sure enough she is the woman for you that should never change whether she starts biting her own toenails or she farts in bed :)
 
The ultimate aim of anyone! Good on ya man.
Good on you Fadi, keep it up. The happiest people I have known are my Grandparents who have been married for 66 years now. People just dont seem to stick around with each other these days, its too easy to give someone the flick and start something new.
 
Good on you Fadi, keep it up. The happiest people I have known are my Grandparents who have been married for 66 years now. People just dont seem to stick around with each other these days, its too easy to give someone the flick and start something new.
Thank you Grippy.

People these days more often than not think that the grass is somehow/somewhat greener on the other side of the fence, where in fact they have not fully come to know their side of the fence or better still, their own selves. There's dealing and there's leaving. Humans left to their own devices would more often than not choose leaving an issue instead of dealing with it. We have to learn to deal with adversity and make it our best friend of all if we are to travel the path of personal growth.

Each and every one of us on this forum has met with some sort of adversity in their life. What separates us from each other is to be found in the actions we decided to take at the time if we in fact took any action. Some are driven by the challenges of life whilst others allow the challenges to drive over them instead.

Communication is great and we're always hearing about it and utilising it. However in my opinion, as we need to walk before we could run, we also have to become proficient in intrapersonal communication skills before ever hoping to become masters of interpersonal communication skills. In other words, to know one's self is to know others and have the ability and strength to deal with them and with whatever they throw at us.

I'll leave it here before I really get carried away and as always, I thank you for your time.


Fadi.
 
Thank you Grippy.

People these days more often than not think that the grass is somehow/somewhat greener on the other side of the fence, where in fact they have not fully come to know their side of the fence or better still, their own selves. There's dealing and there's leaving. Humans left to their own devices would more often than not choose leaving an issue instead of dealing with it. We have to learn to deal with adversity and make it our best friend of all if we are to travel the path of personal growth.

Each and every one of us on this forum has met with some sort of adversity in their life. What separates us from each other is to be found in the actions we decided to take at the time if we in fact took any action. Some are driven by the challenges of life whilst others allow the challenges to drive over them instead.

Communication is great and we're always hearing about it and utilising it. However in my opinion, as we need to walk before we could run, we also have to become proficient in intrapersonal communication skills before ever hoping to become masters of interpersonal communication skills. In other words, to know one's self is to know others and have the ability and strength to deal with them and with whatever they throw at us.

I'll leave it here before I really get carried away and as always, I thank you for your time.


Fadi.

Fadi my friend,

I think you SHOULD get carried away here! :D

I need all the wisdom from a 'being' who's along the path
somewhat more than ME.

I can safely say that you have a lot of wisdom in your short
numerical numbers called age (I believe that most will agree
with me here on that).

Also I agree 100% about what you have stated above. However,
sometimes we have walked a path and then have a realisation
that for whatever reason it maybe the wrong path.

So the question beckons weather to turn back? divert? or keep
on keeping on???

Elaborate pls.

Thanks
Devante.
 
Fadi my friend,

I think you SHOULD get carried away here! :D

I need all the wisdom from a 'being' who's along the path
somewhat more than ME.

I can safely say that you have a lot of wisdom in your short
numerical numbers called age (I believe that most will agree
with me here on that).

Also I agree 100% about what you have stated above. However,
sometimes we have walked a path and then have a realisation
that for whatever reason it maybe the wrong path.

So the question beckons weather to turn back? divert? or keep
on keeping on???

Elaborate pls.

Thanks
Devante.

Sure, at some point during our travel, we come to realise that we're not exactly where we are supposed to be. Here we need to do few things.

Imaging you and I Devante are in control over this majestic QANTAS 747. Now our goal is to reach our destination in a certain given time. Yes, we do have our electronic navigational instruments, but we also have the maps we drew up before taking off. Maps with certain given points on them which would aught to correspond with distance travelled and certain check up calls made and receive with the ATC (air traffic controllers) on the ground.

So during our journey, we're not simply travelling at a speed of 900km/h and hoping beyond hope that all would be fine, that all would just simply fall into place no. As I've said, plenty of preparation has gone into making our journey as safe and as trouble free as possible, with nothing, not a single thing left for chance.

Okay, so we suddenly discover that one of our way points is not coming up, indicating that we have somewhat somehow veered off course.

What to do...is basically your question is it not Devante?

Well, we can suddenly turn the 747 back or take it down to a lower altitude or increase its speed and have it climb to a higher altitude. Yes we can do all these things. But now I ask you; would you want to be a passenger on this flight with these two pilots flying this majestic airplane, or would you rather see some thought, some form of rationality, some form of procedure put in place before any (and I do mean any) drastic action could be taken?

What one must do is evaluate the situation and once that is done, re-evaluate it again to make sure all has ticks have been checked. We communicate, we identify the problem, we communicate some more. We bring well meaning arbitrators who wish for the marriage to remain in tact instead of dissolving it at the drop of a hat.

We try and work out and see how we have arrived at this juncture in our lives. But most importantly, we have to be honest with ourselves that our aim is to revive this marriage, not kill it. If both of our aims (you Devante and your wife's) is but one aim, then nothing is impossible. However if one is pulling and one is pushing, then crashing the 747 would be inevitable unfortunately.

No one is perfect, yet we expect perfection from our partners at time.

Well Devante you did ask me to elaborate and here I am elaborating.

I'm going to shift gears here and take you on an Islamic journey if you don't mind. Yes, spirituality does play a huge part here and it lays down the foundation for a successful marriage. Now I'm not here trying to revert you to Islam or preach this most misunderstood religion to you, but I do ask you to take what is good from what I'm about to share with you brother and ignore what you find questionable. Here we go; there’s some copy and paste as well so please bear with me...

God instructs men to be nice to their wives and to treat them well to the best of their ability:

“And live with them in kindness.” (Quran 4:19)

The Messenger of God said,

''The most perfect of believers in belief is the best of them in character. The best of you are those who are the best to their women.''[1]

The Prophet of Mercy tells us that a husband’s treatment of his wife reflects a Muslim’s good character, which in turn is a reflection of the man’s faith. How can a Muslim husband be good to his wife? He should smile, not hurt her emotionally, remove anything that will harm her, treat her gently, and be patient with her.

Being nice includes good communication. A husband should be willing to open up, and be willing to listen to his wife. Many times a husband wants to air his frustrations (like work). He should not forget to ask her about what annoys her (like when children would not do their homework). A husband should not talk about important things with her when he or his wife is angry, tired, or hungry. Communication, compromise, and consideration are the cornerstone of marriage.

Being nice includes encouraging one’s wife. The most meaningful admiration comes from a sincere heart that notices what really matters — what the wife really values. So a husband should ask himself what she feels most insecure about and discover what she values. That is the wife’s sweet spot of praise. The more the husband compliments it, the more the wife will admire it, the more on target this healthy habit will be. Kind words are like, “I like the way you think,” “You look beautiful in those clothes,” and “I love hearing your voice on the phone.”

Human beings are imperfect. The Messenger of God said,

“A believing man should not hate a believing woman. If he dislikes something in her character, he should be pleased with some other trait of hers.”[2]

"Live with them (your wives) on a footing of kindness and equity. If you dislike them it may be that you dislike something in which Allah has placed a great deal of good" (Quran 4:19)

A man should not hate his wife because if he dislikes something in her, he will find something he likes about her if he gives it a chance. One way to be aware of what he likes in his wife is for the husband to make a list of a half dozen things he appreciates about her. Marriage experts recommend that one be as specific as possible and focus on character traits — just as the Prophet of Islam recommended, not just what she does for the husband. For example, a husband may appreciate the way she arranges his clean laundry, but the underlying character trait may be that she is thoughtful. The husband should consider admirable traits such as being compassionate, generous, kind, devout, creative, elegant, honest, affectionate, energetic, gentle, optimistic, committed, faithful, confident, cheerful, and so on. A husband should give himself some time to construct this list, and review it in times of conflict when he is most likely to feel averse towards his wife. It will help him be more aware of his wife’s good attributes and far more likely to compliment them.

Conflict in marriage is virtually inevitable and it leads to lot of anger. Although anger is one of the most difficult emotions to manage, the first step toward controlling it can be learning how to forgive those who hurt us. In case of conflict, a husband should not stop talking to his wife and emotionally hurt her, but he may stop sleeping in the same bed if it will improve the situation. Under no circumstance, even when he is angry or somehow feels justified, is a husband allowed to malign her by using hurtful words or cause her any injury.


-------------------

Footnotes:

[1] Al-Tirmidhi

[2] Saheeh Muslim.

So far you can see that nowhere does Islam say no to divorce, but it goes to great length to discourage it.

After all, marriage aught to offer peace and security, physical pleasure and children. Marriage is meant to nurture the soul. While no one is happy all the time, marriage in general should bring happiness and fulfilment to both parties. Marriage is the centre of the family, and also its thermometer. When the marriage is strong, the family flourishes. When it is weak, however, the entire family suffers.

God, in His infinite, wisdom, recognized that some people would be ill-suited for one another. Rather than force them to live together in a farce of a marriage, divorce is allowed. However, divorce is not something to be taken lightly; it is to be used as a last resort

In fact, getting a divorce without a valid reason is considered a sin. In a hadith (saying of the prophet) reported by Abu Dawud, Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) said, "Among lawful things, divorce is most hated by Allah."

What are Valid Reasons?

Although the phrase "irreconcilable differences" is overused in our culture, those are the only differences that would necessitate a divorce. If there is hope of reconciliation, you must seek that first. Divorce should not even be considered until all positive avenues have been explored. Only problems that cause such anger, bitterness, and hatred that marriage becomes impossible should lead to divorce.

Obviously, that could vary from person to person and marriage to marriage. Clearly, though, petty differences or boredom are not legitimate grounds. Most marriages do have moments of boredom, where the spark has gone. That is just motivation to spice things up! Running away and destroying a family will not solve that problem.


Infidelity on the other hand, could definitely be a breaking point for many people, although many couples have managed to survive an affair. Abuse of any kind is certainly cause for divorce, unless the abuser enters a treatment program and fully repents. Refusal of one spouse to fulfill his or her marital duties could be a legitimate cause for divorce. For example, if a husband refuses to work and supportthe family, the wife would be justified in seeking a divorce if all efforts to change his mind have failed. Likewise, a wife who refuses to share the marital bed could likely find herself divorced, barring medical problems.

In all cases, marital harmony should be attempted. If all efforts have been made to restore happiness and peace, then you may seek a divorce.


Fadi.
 
Last edited:
Fadi,

You are truly a gentle human being. I commend you
for taking the time and replying to me.

I am humbled by your generosity and willingness to
help anyone in need. Hat's off to you good Sir.

I will need to read this thread about 5 times to digest all
you have said.

Although I am not Muslim (not that it matters what religion
you come from) there are some profound wisdom in here.

I am in agreement with you that 'religion / spirituality'
(a cause higher than your individual self) gives one
'balance' in life.

Time to sand in the mirror and look deep within before
deciding on a path.

Devante
 
That's fantastic to hear Fadi. Good on you.

It's not easy, particularly when we as a species are hard wired on the contrary to monogamy. (More literature coming out on this every day). From an evolutionary perspective, short term monogamy makes sense - long term monogamy doesn't. So I have a lot of respect for those who have managed to get through it long term.

I truly think having less sexual partners (less to compare to) makes it easier, as superficial as that may sound. I've seen it time and time again in older generations, who are hitting 50+years of marriage. Just today, I had a knock on the door. The elderly lady across the street fell over, and it was her husband who came to get me. He was too weak to pick her up. He's 88, and she's 86. They've been together for 68 years.

I asked, how do you do it - he simply said "we've only ever known each other, and that's how we like it"


But, i'm a hypocrite, because if I had my time over again I wouldn't have had any less sexual partners than I have. In my experience, we become more picky with the more partners we have. We want a sexual dynamo, a good housewife, and we expect that the sex and passion will be as rigorous as it was in our first 3 months together. This is a very difficult feat to accomplish.

When it comes to women, there's 3 attributes men look for:

Attractiveness

Intelligence

Sanity


Problem is, you can really only pick 2. :cool:
 
When it comes to women, there's 3 attributes men look for:

Attractiveness

Intelligence

Sanity


Problem is, you can really only pick 2.

Usually only the first two...

:D :D :D
 
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