|10-02-2012, 09:46 AM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2009
adventures of dr. swole
These were posted on bb.com around 2005, they are hilarious. Thought you guys might like them.
high school reunion
When the invitation for my 5 year class reunion came in the mail, I almost had a nervous breakdown. You see, Doctor Swole was not always an alpha male pimp with 18 inch pythons. In fact, high school was hell for me, I graduated at 105 lbs and was constantly tortured by my classmates.
After graduation, I spent three years in my basement with my cat, lifting weights and eating cans of tuna like they were junior mints. The only time I came out was to go to night classes at a local college. Since that time, I have built my body into a rock hard temple and am also a self-made millionaire. I couldn't wait to show all the f**kers from high school what I had become
The invitation said "suit and tie", but if you know me, I'm just not a suit and tie kind of guy. I walked in dressed in my usual fur coat, aviators and beater, with a shovel. I also was carrying my homemade protein shake: 1 jar of Natty PB, 2 scoops of cottage cheese, one can of tuna, and a cup of oatmeal, all blended with skim milk. Delicious
I walked in, lats flared and my adrenaline pumping. I was walking around like I owned the place. Two former classmates approached me.
Classmate #1: Hey I remember you! Hey Sully, remember this kid?
Classmate #2: Oh yeah, that's the one we used to strip naked, wrap him in ceran wrap and tie him to the flagpole. You got a lot bigger man. How ya been?
I felt the rage burn up inside of me. I grabbed each of them by the throat and dragged them into a back room, where I beat both of them unconscious with my shovel. "How's it feel? I said hows it F**KIN' feel?!?! " I screamed at their motionless bodies.
Next stop I headed to the bathroom, where I stripped down to my speedo and oiled up my body. "You've been waiting 5 years for this, Doc" I told myself, psyching myself up. I felt like Eminem before the rap battle in 8 mile.
I headed to the stage, pointed to the DJ, indicating for him to start playing my song. "Welcome to the jungle" blared throughout the room, as I began my posedown. Side Chest, Back double, Most Muscular, I showed off every pose in the book. I watched the stunned reaction of male classmates, while women flocked with dollar bills. "Take it off, Doc!" When I hit the crowd with my signature lat flare, the screams were deafening. One girl even fainted.
I put my fur coat back on and started to walk out. Someone grabbed me by the arm. Tiffany Brown. Nicknamed "Pass Around Brown" for her reputation of having the offensive line run a train on her under the bleachers. She still looked the same. Hot face, nice body, huge tits. "F**k do you want?" I screamed at her.
Tiffany: Well, I thought that was really amazing. My husband's body is- well, not that great. I mean, he's rich and all, but its just so hard to find that total package of wealthy and jacked.
Me: <waving my BMW key in her face> Yeah, I guess so.
Tiffany: Oh god, a BMW. Will you take me for a ride?
Me: <keeping it alpha> I want gas money and a blow job out of it.
Tiffany: <handing me a $20> You drive a hard bargain, but I accept!
I took her for a 2 minute ride into one of the busiest sections of Philadelphia and told her to slob my knob.
Tiffany: Here? In the middle of the city? This is so dangerous!
Me: Tinted windows, cupcake. Now suck.
She knew what she was doing. An absolute Hoover Vacuum.
Me: Hey Tiff, remember the time you asked me to the prom, but then when I showed up at your house you had the football team drive by and throw eggs at me, and then your real boyfriend took you to the prom?
Tiffany: <mouthful of dong> Mmmm… Mmmm.
Me: Well, I never got to tell you how I felt about that.
I pulled my dick out of her mouth and jerked off in her eyes. Two shots of baby batter in each pupil.
Tiffany: Oh god, what the f**k! I can't f**kin see!
I opened her door and pushed her into the street, in only her underwear and shoes. Keep in mind this is one of the busiest intersections in Philadelphia.
I pull my beamer about 50 feet from her, take her clothes and pour some gasoline on them, and light a match. Meanwhile, Tiff was stumbling around like Stevie Wonder on crack.
Tiffany: <screaming> YOU F**KIN PRICK! GET BACK HERE!
The glare of the pile of clothes on fire reflected in my aviators.
Me: Revenge is a bitch, Tiff, aint it? REVENGE IS A BITCH!
I pulled into my beamer and sped away, laughing like a madman and beeping my horn. I looked in my rearview and saw Tiff standing there, clueless.
A small smile crossed my face. "Revenge is a beautiful thing," I thought to myself, lighting up a cigar and speeding home.
|10-02-2012, 09:46 AM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2009
After setting a new gym record on standing calf raises, I decided that a celebration was in order. I told Lex to round up the crew, because we were going hunting for cardio bunnies. Lex called up our other training partner, Mongo. Mongo is a 6'8" 305 lb. bodybuilding monster. To give you an idea, he takes in 5000 cals while cutting, and has an IV stuck into his arm with protein flowing in at all times to avoid going catabolic.
We headed out to the club, all dressed to the nines. Lex in sweatpants, a PROLAB tshirt, and of course his trusty crowbar. Mongo was wearing leather pants, a white beater, with his lifting belt around his waist. I decided to try some peacocking, and wore a pink beater, complimented by a pink top hat and pink Chuck Taylor shoes.
We ran into a little trouble at the door, when the bouncer told us we weren't properly dressed for the establishment. Mongo stepped up to the plate. Bumping into him, Mongo screamed "You sure about that?" The bouncer, terrified, changed his mind but asked for the $20 cover charge. "Cover charge? Just be lucky you're still alive, punk. We ain't paying a cover charge." Lex and I walked in, lats flaring, while Mongo entered the side door (too big to fit through the front door).
We scoped out the situation, and it looked pretty grim. A club packed with AFC's and a bunch of HB8's and HB9's. I shook my head. As you know, I only pork HB10's.
A few minutes later, a group of HB8.5's approached us.
HB8.5: Hi...ummm... we heard you guys were alpha males and we wanted to know if we could hang out with you tonight?
I fought off the urge to vomit (HB8.5's... gross!) and replied, "You know, you've got a lot of nerve coming over here. Don't you think I'm a little out of your league, cupcake? Now get out of here, you're threatening my alpha status."
I was getting impatient. "Mongo, find me a HB10 NOW!" I snarled at him. Mongo took out his binoculars and scanned the crowd.
Mongo: I see a HB10 cardio bunny at the bar, drinking a martini.
Me: Any bodybuilder activity in the area?
Mongo: I dont see any... just an ectomorph.
Me: I'm going in.
I lat flared it over to this broac, and first approached the ectomorph hitting on her. He was wearing a Jose's Surf Shop T-shirt "End of the road, AFC. Step aside and let me handle this cardio bunny."
AFC: Get lost.
Normally, I would have stomped him into the ground, but with Mongo in the club I felt it unneccessary.
Me: <grabbing the AFC by the throat> Look, you f**kin ecto, you better get the f**k out of here before we have a problem. See that guy over there, that's a 6'8" 300 lb. bodybuilder. If you don't leave this club now, and never come back, the cops are gonna have to call the boys down at Jose's Surf Shop to ID your body.
The AFC ran away screaming and I moved in on the cardio bunny. "Your lucky day, baby. You get to spend the evening with Doctor Swole. Wanna feel my pythons?"
Cardio Bunny: What do you think I am, some cheap slut just looking to get laid? I'm better than that.
Me: Oh I get it. You look at me and all you see is shredded quads, 18 inch pythons, and abs you could do laundry on. I'm more than a piece of meat here.
I turned around to leave.
Cardio Bunny: I'm sorry, did you say 18 inch pythons? My name's Isabelle.
Me: Doctor Swole.
CB: Oh, a doctor? What kind?
Me: A uhhh... gynocologist.
CB: Really? How did you get into that?
Me: Well, I guess you can say I just love pussy.
Lex approached me with a look of concern on his face. "Mongo's IV is out of whey. We need to get him some protein before he goes catabolic and gets into a rage."
Me: F**k. How long do we have?
Lex: 15, 20 minutes tops.
CB: Do you have to go? Well here's my phone number, why dont you call me sometime and we can go to a museum or something.
I looked at her phone number in disgust. "Look cupcake, I'm going on a gynocologist exposition in the Phillipines for the next year. Tonight may be our last night together. We should make the most of it."
CB: If you say so, Doctor Swole.
I took her out to my BMW and we started going at it. I hit it doggystyle and finished off by giving her a pearl necklace (the only jewelry I'll ever buy for a woman.)
I lit up a joint and closed my eyes. Lex and Mongo approached the BMW. "We gotta go now, Doc, Mongo's gonna get catabolic."
I told the cardio bunny to leave the car. "I had a great time, Doc. My gynocologist never treated me like that"
Lex and Mongo roared with laughter. "He's no gynocologist. This is Doctor Swole, one of the most notorious Alpha Males on the planet!"
Cardio bunny had a look of denial on her face. "Tell me thats not true! Are you even a real doctor?"
Me: <taking a puff of the joint> I'm no doctor... but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.
Lex and Mongo roared with laughter. I stepped on the gas and accelerated away from the cardio bunny. She coughed when inhaling my exhaust fumes, and by the time she stopped I had turned the corner. I wondered if she had seen my ALPHA1 license plate, but it's inconsequential. I'll never see her again. My speedometer hit 95 as I raced to Mongo's for whey shakes all around.
Lex: Going a little fast Doc?
Me: <taking a drag from the joint> Those protein shakes ain't gonna mix themselves
|10-02-2012, 09:47 AM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2009
As many of you know, I joined a college gym due to the hot poon there. From my six years of higher education (four years of undergrad and two years getting my masters), I came to realize there is nothing quite like porking college broads.
On late Saturday afternoon, I strolled into the fitness complex wearing a fur coat with "DOCTOR SWOLE" embroidered on the back (My gym buddies nicknamed me Doctor Swole back in '03) over my shorts and wife beater, toothpick in my mouth. Taking off my aviators, I look over to the squat rack, and I don't like what I see. A frat boy. I already know he's not squatting.
"Curls" I said to myself, muscles flaring as I walk over to the rack. Frat boy is in mid set, groaning with each curl, 10 lb plates on each side. 65 lbs?!?!? You're curling 65 lbs in the squat rack? Joe Gold would be turning in his grave.
While frat boy is getting his 4th or 5th rep done, I take off the 10 lb plate, and walk over to the other side and do the same.
Frat boy: <pissed off> Hey man, what the f**k was that?
Me: This is the squat rack, *NSYNC. You wanna curl, get your chicken chest on one of those swiss balls and pick up the plastic dumbbells, Sally.
Frat boy: Who the f**k do you think you are? Are you even a student here?
Me: <taking off my fur coat and resting it on the leg press> Alright, Timberlake. You had your chance. I tried to be a nice guy and I'm going to tell you one more time. No curling in the squat rack. Now get out of here before we have a problem.
Frat boy: Man, f**k this.
<Frat boy leaves the area. I load up the plates with 5 45 lb plates each side and rep it for 15. (I decided to take it easy, didnt get enough sleep last night.) Some cardio bunnies come over and start to make small talk.)
Cardio bunny 1: We thought that was really brave how you stood up to that guy. He thinks he owns this gym and he always makes rude comments to us!
Me: <still wearing my aviators - I rarely take them off> Just doing my job ladies. I'd love to chat, but as you can see, my quads need to be punished.
Cardio bunny 2: <biting her lower lip> Well, if you feel like it when you are done come over to Harrison Hall. Room 418.
Me: <agitated> Look hunny, I'm a busy man. I'll see what I can do. Get away from me.
I finish up my workout, put my fur coat back on and head over to Harrison Hall, Room 418.
CB2: Glad you could come.
Me: <stripping down> Yeah well, I need to shower up.
CB2: <Staring at my body, mouth open> Can I come with you? Please? Meet us in the third shower from the left in 5 minutes.
Me: <grinning> Us? If you say so <CH2 runs away from her computer and into the hallway. I check her away message>
"OmG HoTTeST GuY eVeR on HaRRiSoN 4Th FLooR BeST aBs eVa aNd HuGe BiCePTs!!!!!1111"
I head down to the showers, wearing only a towel and my aviators. Girls I passed in the halls stared, but I just bicep flared by them. Opening the shower curtain, I found the three cardio bunnies already soaping themselves down.
CB3: You're late.
Me: Well Doctor Swole is here now girls.
<The three cardio bunnies proceed to soap me down, and kiss me all over. When all said and done, I blew my load all over one of their tits. I step out of the shower and walk back to room 418. I glanced at the clock. 6:45?!?! I had to meet a client at 8 for dinner, and would have to speed to my condo, get dressed, and drive straight to the restaurant to make it in time. I threw on my fur coat and grabbed my gym clothes in hand (no time to get dressed) and start jogging down to my car. About 20 Harrison Hall hotties followed.
Hottie4: Doctor Swole, where are you going?
Me: <running to my BMW in only my fur coat> Gotta go baby, the doctor is a busy man.
The Harrison crowd, about two dozen strong, continued to chase me to my car, screaming and crying. I felt like one of the Beatles. I climb into my BMW and peel away.
Hottie5: <crying> DOCTOR SWOLE DONT GO!!!
I decide to give the girls a thrill, and throw my gym clothes out my sunroof. They scream and come running to the pile. Two girls were having a tug of war with my beater, while I saw another on her knees, sniffing my sweaty boxer briefs.
I lit up a cigar. "Doctor Swole, you've done it again," I thought to myself, a small smile crossing my face as my car sped east on I-276
|10-02-2012, 09:48 AM||#4 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2009
I recently joined a gym at a college nearby my house. I workout on my lunch break at my place of employment, but it's cutting season and I'll be doing cardio on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings. I could have ran at the track nearby my apartment, but I would be missing out on all the hot college CARDIO BUNNIES! I knew I would be able to score with em, but it didn't even take me an hour!
So I head into the gym, wearing a PUMA track suit. First I check out the weights section. Typical. Bunch of shaggy haired Ashley Kutcher look alikes doing some chest and bi's, hoping to get that beach body for Cancun. Pathetic. One guy got a SPOT for benching 135x1. Amazing. I was going to head over and load up 315 and rep it for 12, but I had bigger fish to fry.
On to the cardio area. There's 16 treadmills. About 10 were occupied; 7 by HOT college girls, 2 by mediocre girls, and 1 fatty. Oh yeah, and like 3 fat guys. I do some stretching in front of the machines before removing my tearaway pants and jacket. Underneath is a pair of green shorts and a beater. I notice the ladies eyes shifting towards me as I pile on a treadmill. I put on my IPOD, but do not listen to music. (This is a trick of mine; whenever I work out I put my IPOD on because I don't like to be bothered, but I never play music I like to listen people compliment me when they don't think I can hear them). "Look at the veins in his arms!" and "Check out those legs, damn!" were two of the better comments. I ran for 30 minutes and got off, walked to the front of the treadmills and did some stretching. Then I made my move. Lifting up my beater to wipe the sweat off my face, I gave the ladies a shot of the goods. I heard one girl even say "Vicki, Look! LOOK at that!". Then I hear a loud BOOM. One girl had fallen OFF her treadmill (whether it was because of seeing my body or not I'm unsure, but I'm willing to bet that was the cause). She hit her face on the belt and had a bloody nose. I got the f**k out of there.
I was heading back to my car, satisfied that I had planted the seed for future hookups when I hear some footsteps behind me. "Um, sir?" I turn around and see a sexy 5'5" blonde with some nice ta-tas.
Hot girl: I saw your body in there, and umm I was wondering if I could get some advice? I'm headed to South Padre Island for Spring Break and I really want to look good
Me: Step into my office baby, and we'll see what we can do.
<I unlock the doors to my BMW and she climbs in>
Hot girl: Wow, this is a really nice car.
Me: Yeah, its alright. I auctioned off my Porsche and gave the profit to the tsunami relief fund. I miss that car.
HG: That is so sweet! Oh my god...Are you crying?
Me: <trying to cry fake tears> Yeah well, its just so awful what happened to those people.
<Note: I've never donated a PENNY to charity, nor have I owned a porsche>
Me: But we were talking about you. Why don't you take off that shirt so I can see what we're working with.
<I thought it would be difficult to talk her into this, but she never hesitated. I surveyed her body saying "mmm, hmmm" and "okay"
Me: You're gonna have to take off those pants. I NEED to get a good overall look at you.
HG: Is that really necessary?
Me: Off with the pants, sweetie.
<She takes off her pants, and I notice that 'HOTTIE' is printed across the ass. At this point, I know I'm getting some. Girls that wear pants that say 'HOTTIE' or 'ANGEL' or 'BABY' on the pants are HUGE whores.>
Me: Well, I'll tell ya what. I'll give you my ab routine free of charge.
HG: Really? You'd do that for me?
Me: Yeah I'll just email it to ya.
HG: That's so nice of you. How could I ever repay you?
Me: <surveying her body> I can think of one way <I point to my dick and she goes down>
This girl was a Hoover ****in' vaccum. Obviously a sorority girl, she stops after 25 minutes and says "how long is this gonna take?" (I had slammed my girlfriend at about 4PM so I wasn't blowing any time soon)
Me: You want the ****in' ab routine or not?
<She goes back to doing her job, and about 45 minutes later she gets a serving of protein down her throat>
Me: Alright. I'm out.
<I throw her pants and shirt outside the car. She starts getting dressed.>
HG: Email me that routine, K?
HG: When are we gonna hang out again?
HG: Come on, give me your number.
Me: <putting on my avitaor sunglasses> Look baby, you don't wanna get messed up with me. I'm an outlaw. A rebel.
HG: But, i dont even know your name and--
With that, I peel out into the night. All in a day's work. All in a day's work.
Last edited by Alpha Moth; 10-02-2012 at 09:57 AM.
|10-02-2012, 09:48 AM||#5 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2009
After our grueling leg day (night), I headed down to the local Outback with my training partner, Lex. A few steaks, mounds of potatoes, cold beer, and laughs were on the agenda for the evening. Getting pussy was not, but when you are THE alpha male, it's always a possibility.
So after the meal, and taking a huge dump in the men's room, we are paying the bill when Lex motions over to the bar. Couldn't believe what I saw. Four hotties laughing it up with a couple of college frat boys. I took off my aviators to get a better look at the guys.
Me: <squinting> Yep, just as I suspected, looks to be 13, maybe 14 inch biceps?
Lex: You thinking what I'm thinking?
Me: <grinning> Lets do it.
Me and Lex do the lat flare walk over to the bar area, sleeves rolled up on our 18 and 17.5 inch pythons, taking a seat nearby the aforementioned crew. I took out of my pocket my "trick money"; $100 dollar bills on each end, with about 25 singles in the middle. One of the girls saw this and flocked (If muscles are #1 on women's wish list, money is number 2 on their sleazy gold digging agenda).
Girl1: Hey baby! You gonna buy me a drink?
Me: <pulling down my aviators a bit> F**k would I do that? Do I look like your boyfriend or something?
Girl1: What's your problem? Figured your cheap ass could spare a drink with all that cash you're carrying.
Me: <condescendingly> Well apparently that's not the case, Shirley Temple. (She was wearing a Temple University sweatshirt) Run along to your skinny frat friends. You aint getting none of this (I flash the wad of cash) and you aint getting none of this (flashes 18 inch python)
<She runs back to her friends. Lex knows what's going on and gives me a wink. Not two minutes later, the whole group returns.>
Frat Boy: I'll be buying all you ladies a drink tonight, cuz I'm a nice guy.
Me: <takes a shot of tequila> More like an AFC if you ask me, chump.
Girls: What's an AFC?
Me: You wanna know what an AFC is? Follow me girls. <Me and Lex walk out the door, not looking back but knowing they will follow>
We take them across the street to an internet cafe. I try to log onto bodybuilding.com but its not working (apparently you have to PAY to use the internet at these cafes? I usually wouldnt be caught dead at one of those places. The depressed emo loser thing doesnt get you hot pussy)
Me: Give me $5 so I can use this piece of s**t
Girl3: You have $2500 in your pocket, why cant you pay for it?
Me: I'm out of here. I cant deal with--
<All of a sudden girl 4 takes a 5 dollar bill out and i put it in the computer. I log onto the Sauce Head sticky>
Me: <grinning> Read up, ladies.
The next few minutes, I hear the girls excitedly screaming "Oh my GOD, those frat guys WERE AFC's! And you guys are Alpha Male PUA's!". I grin at lex, knowing that we would be getting laid tonight. The girls read for about ten more minutes (even putting in 5 dollars to read more) before we all head back to the Outback.
Frat Guy 2: So about that beer?
<Sorority Girl 2 takes the beer he was drinking and pours it over his head.>
SG2: Get lost, you f**king AFC's!
FG2: What the f**K?
SG3: <rubbing my chest> yeah, we found some alpha males. Go back to the frat house and jerk off!
<With that, they leave, my grinning face the last thing they see. Me and lex piled the girls into my BMW and head over to their sorority house.>
That night, I was pleasured for hours by two sorority girls: a cute lil asian and her blonde friend, while Lex had the other two. Lex wakes me up at 7AM, telling me I need to drop him off at home so he can to to work. I walk out the door, sunlight streaming in from the morning sky.
"Wait!" one of the girls screams as I walk out. "are you ever coming back?"
<I sling my jacket over my shoulders and strap my aviators on>
"My mama said to never break promises I cant keep". Me and Lex lat flared back to my beamer and sped away from the house, never to return.
|10-02-2012, 09:49 AM||#6 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2009
Each spring, I throw a huge bash at my mansion. Only bodybuilders and cardio bunnies are allowed to attend, and they are flown in from all over the world to be there. This year, I was determined to make it the most legendary of them all, and I think it’s safe to say I succeeded.
I called up ON Whey and had them bring in two dumptrucks full of protein powder, which was dumped on my front yard. Also, I called up a supplement company in Ukraine, makers of a top secret creatine which is 700% more volumizing than creatine monohydrate.
Each bodybuilder who showed up was required to bring with him a minimum of 10 cardio bunnies. I sent my girlfriend out of town with her friends for the weekend.
The party was a huge success. I was sick of going out to the club and seeing AFC’s in Abercrombie tshirts and flip flops with 12 inch biceps peeking out. No, this was different. Everyone was sledding down the mountains of whey and having a good time. Lex gave me a thumbs up before crushing up some ZMA pills and snorting them off a random cardio bunny’s tits.
I lat flared it over to the bar area (I hired a bartender for the night’s festivities) “Creatine and vodka, on the rocks” I snarled at him. He reached under the bar and pulled out a jar of CELL-TECH. I grabbed him by the shirt. “I want the good stuff. Get that **** out of here.”
At this point I was approached by a smokin hot cardio bunny. “Doc-tor Swole, I presume” she said in an Eastern European accent. “I hear you are zee Alpha Male, no?
Me: “You heard correctly.”
CB: “I am so very thirsty. Vould you get me a drink?”
Now, any AFC off the street would have fallen for this, but not Doctor Swole. I knew her game; there’s very few of them in the world but it was obvious I was dealing with an Alpha Female, very rare (less than .001% of human females are Alpha Females). This was obviously a **** test.
Me: “Get it yourself. I’ve got a party to attend to.” I walked away from her and climbed into the hot tub with another group of 7 or 8 cardio bunnies, who proceeded to feel on my 18 inch pythons. The Alpha Female, after getting her beverage, joined me in the jacuzzi.
CB: “You have zee big arms, Doctor Svole.”
Me: “Pretty big jugs you got yourself, cupcake.”
CB: “Aye. I hate zis music. Vould you mind going to zee DJ and requesting a change for me?”
I raised my eyebrow. A second **** test? I really was dealing with an Alpha Female. “You don’t like the f**kin music, go ask yourself. What do I look like, a f**kin AFC here?” I snarled at her.
About a half hour later, she approached again. “Doctor Svole, I vant to get it on now. Meet me in zee upstairs bedroom and you can put it in my ass.”
To your AFC off the street, he would jump at the opportunity. But I could see this was a THIRD **** test, and a very good one at that, which can be executed only by Alpha Females.
I pulled her close to me and spoke right into her face, close enough that she could smell the natty PB and tuna fish on my breath. “Look. If I give you the pleasure of sleeping with me, its gonna be on my terms, when I want it, how I want it, what positions I want it. Got that?”
She jumped into my arms. “Amazing! You are the first to pass all three of my **** tests. **** me, Doctor Svole!” We went at it for about an hour in the pool house.
CB: Doctor Svole. We are perfect for each other. Alpha Male, Alpha Female, it’s a match made in heaven! Let’s get married and have children!
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This supposed Alpha Female had turned AFC within a matter of minutes. “What do you want from me? Diamond earrings? A gold ring that says ‘Mrs. Doctor Swole’?”. I lit up a cigar. “You want a minivan so we can pick up the kids at soccer practice, take ‘em to Denny’s? You’re looking in the wrong place, cupcake.”
CB: But Doctor Svole, I love you!
I took a puff of my cigar. “Look baby. We’re different people. You want a white picket fence and a garden, I want wife beaters, cardio bunnies, fast cars, big pythons, crowbars. It wouldn’t work.”
I threw on my aviators and flared my lats.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a party to attend to.” I walked back to the party while she sobbed softly in the pool house.
|10-02-2012, 09:50 AM||#7 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2009
I heard about a frat party from one of the cardio bunnies I slammed last week. Called me up and said I should make it if I get a chance. After another grueling workout, I decide to take Lex along with me.
We walk into the frat house, and its exactly what I expected. 135 pounders in Abercrombie tshirts. Pathetic. I walk through the crowd in my aviators and beater, pushing guys at the party out of the way to establish Alpha dominance. We head into the kitchen, where one frat boy is making mixed drink for a few hotties. â€œBlender belongs to me now I snarl at him, dump out the contents and begin to make my patented Mega Shake. Eight scoops of N-Large2, a jar of natty peanut butter, and 2 bananas all blended with lowfat milk. I blend up my mix, toast Lex in our bb.com shakers, and drink.
Apparently not all party participants liked the fact that me and Lex had stolen the blender. One girl had brought the bouncer? over.
Bouncer: Whats going on over here?
Lex: <taking off his aviators> We got a situation here boss, looks like 19 inch pythons on this guy.
I take off my aviators to get a better look.
Me: <giggling> Fatceps.
I notice a tattoo on the bouncers arm, Big Daddy? it says.
Me: Big Daddy?
Bouncer: <pissed off> Bigger than you.
Me: Maybe so, chief. But Im swoler.
I reach into my bag and get out my body fat calipers.
Bouncer: Man, get those things away from me!
Me: <grinning> Aw, come on, lets see how much fat are on those fatceps of yours.
Bouncer: <crying> F**k you man, leave me alone! <He runs out of the room while I explode into laughter>
After about 20 more minutes of lat flaring around the party, I realize I have to take a huge ****. That Mega Shake wasnt sitting too well. I head into the bathroom with the newspaper. (I knew it was gonna be a messy struggle). A few minutes later, some drunk girl comes into the bathroom.
Drunk girl: Hi, ummm, I just wanted to say that you are really sexy and ummm?
Me: Get the f**k out? Im trying to **** in peace here
Drunk girl: Well, ummm, could I give you a blumpkin?
Me: F**ks a blumpkin?
Drunk girl: Well, its when you give someone head while they are taking a ****.
<I look her up and down. Decent sized tits and a good face.>
Me: Yeah why not. Just dont use your f**king teeth.
<I continue to read the paper while she blows me. She ended up swallowing every last drop.>
Drunk girl: Was it good?
Me: Not bad. Id give it a C+
<Drunk girl lays down and passes out. I realize there is no toilet paper. So I take drunk girls shirt and wipe my ass with it and walk out>
Me: Nice knowin ya, sweetie.
I decide to find Lex so we can go home. On the way I run into two frat boys.
Frat boy 1: Excuse me? Do you think you could give us some weightlifting tips? I mean we don't want to get huge or anything, just Brad Pitt in fight Club, you know? Any pointers?
I felt the rage boiling up inside of me but kept my cool. I decided not to punch them out (no need to go back to prison). I bang on the door Lex is in.
Me: Lets f**King go, Im tired and I want to go to sleep.
Lex: I got this bitch licking my nuts right now!
Me: Hurry up and nut in her face so we can go home. Ill start the car.
I walk outside to my beamer. I look at the car next to me, and Bouncer is in it, crying. Not only that, but he was driving a Jetta. Im sorry, but if you are a bodybuilder you cannot drive a Volkswagen. You could be Ronnie F**kin Coleman and you would get no respect from me if you are tooling around in a golf. The only time you could get head by driving a VW is from Gary down at the local Starbucks.
I lit up a cigar and waited for Lex to emerge. Blumpkin,? I thought to myself, smiling. Doctor Swole, sometimes you even impress yourself.
Dr. Swole and The Ex
Last night, my ex finally convinced me to meet her ex-boyfriend of 3 years.
They have been friends since high school, dated through college,
and broke up in November but are still good friends. So I agree, if I can
wear a wifebeater, I tell her. She obliged.
So we roll up to Richard’s house. Holy f**k this guy was loaded. No wonder
she dated him. I mean, I have my own place and a BMW but this
cat must be swimming in dough. I didn’t expect this but shook it off.
Richard answers the door in a Donovan McNabb jersey, with what
appeared to be 12” biceps peeking out. First he greeted Jen (my girl)
and then he saw me. Though being a few inches taller than me, it
was obvious from the first look that I intimidated the f**k out of Richard.
“How ya doin, Dick,” I said, shaking his hand and feeling
his bones crunch beneath my grip. He cried out in pain and invited us in.
Jen and Rich get to small talking. He’s showing her pictures of the tsunami
(he’s with the red cross and helps with disaster relief…
sleazy way to get pussy if you ask me), then they discuss the presidential
debate and the Iraq elections. *Yawn* Finally while watching
the super bowl, Rich mentions something about football players being huge,
and how its “no surprise since they are all juiced up”
Jen mouths “No” to me, but can already see I’m about to spout off.
Me: So you think a little juice makes you huge?
Rich: <nervous laugh> Well, it certainly helps out
Me: Lemme tell you something, Rich. You think if you incorporated some
D-Bol into your Elliptical Cardio and Nautilus Machine you
would be Ronnie Coleman?
Rich: What’s D-Bol? Who’s Ronnie--
Jen: Guys, guys please
From there, Rich decides to serve us “Dinner” or as I call it, CATABOLIC
Are you kidding me? Some Middle Eastern Bread,
smelly dip, and cous-cous?!?!?
Me: <staring at the table> What the f**k is this?
Rich: It’s pita bread, hummous, and---
Me: No, I mean, WHAT THE F**K is this? <I’m fuming at this point>
Jen: <nervously> I THINK what he needs is some protein. He’s big into
and needs to get his protein intake in.
Rich: <nervous> Just go in the kitchen man… take… take whatever you want.
I rampage through Rich’s cabinets, settling on a gallon of milk, peanut
and oatmeal. Rich watches in horror as I sit transfixed
on his couch, shoving food down my throat and slugging my milk gallon.
after about 20 minutes... I break the silence..
Me: “T.O. is a f**king warrior tonight, isn’t he Rich?”
Rich: Yeah. Look, I wanted to apologize about the food. I had no idea and
I’ll do anything to make it up to you.
Me: <mouthful of food> Anything?
Me: I want to armwrestle.
Rich: Armwrestle? <laughs> Come on, what are we, 10 years old?
Rich could see that I meant business though, and he came over to the table
and rolled up his sleeves. I fought not to laugh at his
12 inch pipes. With my girlfriend screaming “Please don’t do this!”
I slammed Rich’s arm into the table as he started screaming
“OH GOD WHAT THE F**K DID YOU DO!?!?!”.
“I’m done with this s**t,” I said, grabbed my coat and Jen and said we
need to get out of here. “We can’t leave him like this!,”
Jen cried. “SHUT THE F**K UP AND GET IN THE CAR” I snarled and pushed her
out the door, slamming it behind me.
I think it's safe to say Rich will be staying away from my girlfriend
from now on.
Typical day at the gym...
It's a regular Monday morning on the way to the gym on my brand new Harley. I park right in front of the entrance, flick a couple bills to the lobbyist to watch my baby toy as I proceed to the weight room to work out my pythons.
As usual, heads turned, jaws drop, dead silence sets upon the horizon of the weight room while I take off my Russian Sable fur coat exposing my nineteen inch pythons and continue toward the squat racks to pay my visits to my good ol friend Nobby. As we pay our respects to each other, the sound of the weight clinging, clattering, and the irrelevant rhythm of the chatter between those impudent so called humans commence.
While hoarding all the forty-five pound plates in the gym to begin my curling showdown, I catch this lanky mal nourished teenager staring at me profusely. In complete awe by the fact that he won?€™t look away, I flare my lats with great rage and gave a furious growl in where again silence sets upon the weight room terror-stricken by the fact that Doctor Swole has been enraged. Needless to say, the shattered rawboned kid was hospitalized immediately. After wrapping up doing weights, I chug the rest of what was left of my three gallon shake subsumed of tuna and milk and headed to the cardio room upstairs.
I survey the room to see if there are any cardio bunny?€™s around. Fortunately there was. ?€œNice tanned skin, blonde hair, big tits and a nice set of legs,?€? I said to myself. Safe to say, my hormones were through the roof from my intense workout session and I knew I was getting some pooch today.
I quickly strike a front double bicep pose and immediately she turns in disbelief. She stops the thread mill and runs up to me, without saying one word we walk into the men?€™s bathroom where she proceeds to devour my cock. This broad knows her stuff, an absolute hoover vacuum. She polishes it pretty nicely and finishes gulping down the source.
Cardio Bunny: Come to my place tonight, we will have a lot of fun
Me: (being the alpha male) Pay for my gas and cook me an Omaha steak and I will think about it?€?.
Cardio Bunny: ok
I release the climatic stubborn broth one last time only to blind her in the eyes.
Cardio Bunny: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! You freak!!!
My roaring laughs were heard from a mile away.
Went downstairs, put my fur coat on, lit a cigar and rode home in my new Harley with an everlasting grin on my face
|10-02-2012, 09:51 AM||#8 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2009
One not related to dr. swole
On a cold Friday afternoon, I had come home from school. I had been thinking of the gym all day. I was hungry, didn't have any lunch. In fact, I didn't eat because I spent the money. For the past month I was saving up for something. Something special which I bought at GNC. I was surprised they didn't ask for ID; I was pretty sure the cashier noticed how nervous I was. Anyways, my mom asked my how my day was when I got home, but I ignored her. I have more important things to do. I run to the bathroom and unpack my bag. In my school bag is a white plastic bag from GNC. I open the bag, first removing the receipt and flushing it down the toilet to get rid of the evidence. My heart was racing now. I unpack the creatine monster from the bag.
I wonder what people will be asking me when they see that I will be 50lbs heavier. Should I say I was just eating a lot? I remove the label from the tub and tear it into a thousand small pieces. I flush that down the toilet, too. It is time now. I run up to my room when my mom ask me what I am holding. I panic, sweat drips down my forehead and my teeth chatter. "Mom, it's just for a school project". "What project?" "I don't know mom I just started it!". A tear runs down my cheek. I run upstairs and open the creatine, scooping upservings into a clear water bottle. What have I gotten myself into? I fill it with water and drink it. There is no turning back now. The creatine monster is inside me now, it will control me. What should I do if I die? I cant let my family know about this.
I open the creatine tub and throw it all out the window; a white cloud of mysterious dust sparkles into the wind so graciously. I feel the substance taking control of me; I am now the monster. I walk downstairs, its time to work out; time to get big. Now I worry, I don't want to get too big; people will think I use steroids. I do use steroids. No I don't. Creatine. All I see is the weights now, I am almost downstairs when I hear "Do you want a cookie I just baked". I know I do not have time for this **** now. "No mom I do not want a cookie" I walk in the basement and drop to my knees before the weights, tears running down my cheeks. I turn to the right and look at myself in the mirror. Oh god, what have I done?
The creatine has entered my veins, I can feel it raging inside of me. I look down and realize my 11 inch biceps have swollen at least half an inch. I've become scared of my own strength. My mother knocks on the door to tell me good night, but i tell her not to open the door...I dont want her to see me like this. Just a few moments later, I catch myself looking at myself in the mirror...I can barely recognize myself.